Fwisshhh....

Wow... It's been a long time since I've actually used this... I've been soooo busy the last month or so... What with the play and all. I've been coming home at 6:45, wandering around and getting some munchies and a drink, going into the guest room, turning on Law and Order and falling asleep. I even brought my alarm clock and my boom box and my blanket and pillows in there I've been sleeping there so much. I'm weird I swear. I think tonight I'll actually sleep in my room, simply because Law and Order isn't on tonight...lol That is if I can sum up the energy to drag all my crap back to my room when I get to the point of wanting to sleep. I'm actually pretty tired right now though. I've been really tired the last week or so... Our production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory shows on Friday and Saturday this week and I'm really excited. We have some painting and stuff to do, and it's going to be a mad house all week but I can't wait. This is always my favourite part of production. Then Grease starts next week. It's insane. But I'm sooo happy I don't have to wait a long time in between shows.

Bleh. Today was nice. I got to go to church, messed around with Andy and Jared and got Cameron in trouble... *snicker* It's fun being teased by them and then getting to hit them... :D I'm a little bit meaner towards Cameron when he does it though... I prefer certain people to grind the short jokes into the dirt, I think simply because I like them more... I dunno. Other people can make the occasional one, but when they start doing it regularly and taking the jokes that are specifically between my friends and I, it starts making me peevish...lol Anyway...

The last two weekends have been busy as hell. Wow. I have so much to write about... O_o Anyway, this Sunday was nice and easy going, but Saturday was busy. I got up at 7 and got to school by 8... I stayed there making sock puppets with Mr. Ball (which by the way was insanely fun...) and watched the festival (buncha choir, band, handbells/chimes) until 12:20ish. Then I went to lunch with Cassie at KFC and we rushed to the 1:00 showing of Hidalgo, smuggling in the chicken we had bought to eat while we were in the movie. XD That was fun. Then we went back to school and hung around with Andy making dirty jokes and generally having a good time while working on set pieces for Charlie until around 5:30... Then Andy started meditating and getting ready for the talent show... As he was doing this, I painted and listened to music and talked to Cassie about how not to feel guilty about swearing for fun with my friends, and then about how freaking much I'm in love with a certain long-haired freak I know... Ei yi yi... That got into my head AGAIN for the billionth time in the last four weeks, and I immediately had to start telling myself not to think about it too much because I'd wind up thinking myself into a bawling mass of flesh wallowing in self-pity. And I had to put up with that crap from myself for almost three weeks and there was no way in hell I was going back to that. It sucked.
Fortunately I managed to just prattle on about how much he makes me crazy because I love him so much and to swoon over him as he preformed in the Talent Show. He's so freaking hot when he's singing... And he's an awesome singer too let me tell you... He's improved sooo much over the last few years that the first time I really heard him preform on Ash Wednesday, I nearly died when he started singing. I mean, the last time I heard him, he was okay. Nothing to write home about or anything, but now...honestly, I'm probably somewhat biased, but his voice is the perfect rock voice. I love it. He's so amazing... It makes me absolutely crazy to be this much in love with him and know I'll never even have a chance with him. It's really ironic too because I know exactly why we're not compatible, how insane I make him and how bad a couple we'd probably make. But still... I can't help but love every last cell and atom in his body. He's amazing. Even when he's the biggest mood-swinging bastard in the world, I love him more than anyone I've ever known.

Oh and if you know how old I am (17 so now you know), don't even think about telling me that I don't love him. Don't tell me it's just a crush, or that I'm just a stuipid girl who's fawning over him because of his looks or whatever. I've decided that if I've liked him for two and a half years, that's pretty damn impressive and I think it's gotta be love. And if it's not, well then I don't know what in the world is. I mean, in the beginning, I didn't even like him. I didn't want to be friends with him, he was just this nice looking guy who had come to our school, who was a little crazy, a little funny, and nothing else interesting. He was in the first play I ever helped with and that's how I met him. I promised the cast of that show all a drawing of themselves and then as their characters...
That was the dumbest and yet the best thing I ever did. It was a nightmare trying to draw those things once I got past the two or three cast members who actually interested me and had enough pictures to reference from... But anyway, he, being his wonderful enthusiastic self, came over almost every day at lunch to come and bug me and ask if the pictures were done yet and if he could see his. I refused and laughed and amused myself by keeping it from him for four months... As those four months progressed, I got addicted to his postive attitude and to his sense of humor and to the way he looked I guess (and let me tell you, to be quite honest, he's not insanely hot or anything... He's pretty normal...but I love every thing about the way he looks...right down to his big nose :)). Mostly the fact that he was so excited about the pictures though. :) He made me soo happy and he made me feel so special when he asked about all the pictures and things. By the time the second play, Joseph rolled around, I was head over heels in infatuation with him. And it was bad too. I'm the only person who can't remember him being a complete and utter self-centered creep all through Joseph. Love isn't blind, infatuation is. Love is a freaking eye opener, let me tell you...lol But anyway, I was "in love" with him the whole time through that. Then came the end of the school year, and over the summer my affection sort of waned. That was the infatuation/crush period of it all.
But then I got back from Florida. Oh boy. Going back to school was like it hit me all over again. And it started this time as a full-blown crush. Over time I think it just kept evolving and evolving...and well...I finally decided I was in love with him. I mean...when you can forget about all the flaws a person has and think they're still the best thing you've ever seen, tell me that's not something like love? Over that summer I missed him really badly and we talked a few times since I had introduced him to DeviantArt and we collaborated to buy a camera. Then I got back and for the last two or three weeks before school, I called him nearly every night and we talked for two or three hours. I was completely gone. I threw him a suprise dinner thing involving a blindfold and Red Lobster for his birthday and our friends... I was definitely in love with him at this point.
Which leaves us where I am now. I didn't really start noticing his flaws until about halfway through this year... And that made me crazy honestly... It hurts like mad when he "mood-swings" if that's what you can call it and acts like he doesn't even care who I am or that he even knows me or when he switches moods and it seems like he can't stand to be around me. Then other times, it's like we're the best of friends and he'd tell me almost anything and that he loves having me around. It's sooo confusing. It's also hard when he seems to act so nice and so friendly with certain people all the time... It makes me feel like I'm just a thorn in his side that he only enjoys having around when he's in the best of moods. I know it's not true because he's told me so and if I trust him with anything, it's to tell the truth. He can be brutally honest sometimes... :)
But all these revelations and a bunch of stress wound up with me in a sob-fest for almost two weeks and I had these severe mood swings and all sorts of crap. It was horrible. It ended when I noticed Andy was having a crappy time of it too and I asked him what was up. It turns out I was being really controlling and bossy with the play and that was pissing him off. Certain things do that to him and it's sometimes the most justified things and other times its the weirdest things. But I apologized and it was better almost immediately. I felt so much better having put that behind us (sort of anyway XD) and to me anyway, it felt like we were better friends. I asked him out to lunch that Sunday and we had a blast. For the last few weeks we've been having a lot of fun, him catching rides home and blaring songs like 'I Kissed a Drunk Girl' from the windows of my car and both of us just having fun. He's gotten me to cuss for the first time EVER in my life... Which is quite a feat mind you. He was absolutely ectatic about that... :) Everything's just been a lot of fun.
I did make him a little irritated because I was acting stupid during one of the 'practices' I called with him this week to get my audition for Grease done well and I quit because it was frustrating me. That night when I took him to church he asked me what was up with me and I told him that I just felt stupid and like I was just a nuiscance(sp?) to him sometimes. He said it pissed him off that I had wasted his time, but when we got to church he assured me that he did love me and I spent half the trip home crying because I felt so bad and so happy at the same time. I'd never really had him assure me and tell me that he honestly loved having me as his friend and that was something I nearly died from happiness for hearing it.
All of that makes me want to do my audition just right even more so that I can at least do my best and maybe impress him with how much I've tried to get it to work. I just want it to go right... God willing.
But yeah, that's my trip to loving him, and I don't know what in the world is love if that isn't, so :P I mean, honestly, the one thing that makes me happiest, is doing something that will get that look on his face. The look of complete and utter happiness and just seeing him light up... Oh...that's my favourite thing in the world. I would do anything to see that look on his face.

Fwsh. Now that you understand that part of my life...lol... That pretty much encompasses everything that's happened in the last few weeks. Had a choir trip, that was insanely fun... I have a Marine Biology trip to look forward to in two weeks... Grease starts soon. Charlie's this week. I'm on good terms with Andy and that makes me ectatic. At some point I'm going to go shopping with Mitchell and I'm trying to get to know him better, because he's one of my best friends and I know nothing about him... I love him to death and now I want to know why I love him to death. So yeah. Ummm...I think that's about it. I really just started this journal to get out all the stuff whirling around in my brain about Andy after yesterday. That just did it for me. I'm so in love with him and it's sooo not even reasonable. :P Ah well... I know God's up to something, I probably won't even know about what it is until I'm thirty, but I trust him to use it and do what He thinks is best... He's a good God and I know He knows what He's doing, even though sometimes it feels like torture. ;) Anyway...I need to go get some sleep, so this is me, signing off. :)

Oh btw. lol. This just hit me... Last night, during the talent show, was the first time he ever gave me butterflies... That is a damned cool feeling too! XD Now just thinking about him makes my stomach squirmy and happy. This might sound stalkerish and psycho, but I have a little bottle of the same cologne he uses because my brother uses it too (took me two months to figure out why his room smelled like Andy...) I stole it because I love the smell... The fact that it makes me think about Andy is just a plus... It's not like I don't think about him 24-7 ANYWAY...lol.... Anyway. Buh bye all XD